Jun 6, 2007

The Psycho

Once there was a hamster that ostracized it self from the community because he pulverized random gerbels off the street. One day in the desert he saw a plebeian walking up a hill of porous rock. So the hamster headed for the promontory to take out the plebeian and watch him plummet to the bountiful amount of rubble ar the bottom. So he started to walk to the summit. Then suddenly a predatory chipmunk jumped out with a bludgeon to show his predominance of the area and to obliterate any enmity that came his way. Then he became irascible and started to endow a world of anguish upon the hamster. Then the hamster took out a knife and started to ravage and parry the chipmunk. Then the chipmunk was disgruntled and started to fend off and keep his health from falling in dire jeopordy. The chipmunk was now perceptible to be defaced and defiled by the hamster while secretly hiding in the bushes an enormity of ungainly drunk squirrels were waiting. Then in one slice of his blade the chipmunk's head became divergent and was removed. Then the hamster started to scoff and laugh as the mendicant slowly died. Then the impunity of him was removed. The hamster started to plunder and ransack the chipmunk's body for goods. The hamster then buried the chipmunk and the epitaph said," One of the chips has fallen forever." The squirrels were aghasted at this and thought it disturbed the authority that they had. Then the progial leader of the drunk squirrels said in an ethical way," We will regain jurisdiction!!!" Then the squirrels took a short cut up the mountain. Finally the hamster reached the premontory. He loosened a rock and a huge chain of avalanches followed. First estranging the exotic squirrels and then killing the scavenger still at the base of the mountain. Then the hamster went down and said," Armistice there will not be!!!", which was amplified so the whole world hear his battle cry.

THE END

Fred and Freddie's Big Adventure

Once there were two hamsters. Their names were Fred and Freddie. Fred was greedy, but Freddie wasn't. One day they went out of their cage. Fred found three dimes and One nickel, but he never gave Freddie any of it. One day a cat chased them and they were chased into a mouse hole. It was abandoned, so they moved into the mouse hole. They went to the store. Fred spent all his money on an electronic organ, but Freddie bought materials to make furniture with his own money. When they went home, Fred got his leg bitten off by a cat, but Freddie didn't have a scratch on him. Fred had spent all his money, so he couldn't pay his medical bills. He went to jail and died.

Jun 2, 2007

Mayo

Have you ever been making a turkey sandwich and you go to pick up the mayonnaise and it is too light. If you have, then you can relate to the same situation that happened on Fedel Castro’s birthday.
It was Fedel’s 50th birthday and for lunch he wanted a turkey sandwich with lettuce and mayonnaise on top. First he noticed that the jar of mayonnaise was abnormally light and then when he opened it, he saw the thing he hoped he’d never see, the jar was empty.
But then he thought, “What am I worried about. I have a whole cellar full of mayonnaise.” So he went down to his basement and went to one of the barrels but it was too light. He looked inside and it was empty too. He opened every last barrel of mayonnaise in his cellar and not one had a drop of mayonnaise in it.
Fedel looked in the Amarillo Book and found the address of the main mayonnaise manufacturer in Cuba, The Bongo Mayonnaise Company. When he got there he found that it had gone out of business. From a pay phone he called the information hotline and asked where the mayonnaise capital of the world was and the operator said, “Cairo, Egypt.”
Fedel called his travel agent, Joe, and told him that he wanted a ticket to Cairo today. Joe told him ten minutes later on the phone that he had booked Fedel a flight to Cairo that is to depart in one hour and twenty minutes.
When Fedel got to the airport, he got into the line and cut everyone to get to the front. The security guard told him, “You have to wait your turn!”
“But I am the supreme ruler of the country of Cuba.” Castro replied.
“Then in that case go ahead sir.” the guard replied.
When he arrived in Egypt, he walked to the mayonnaise factory and demanded, “Give me mayonnaise or give me death!”
The guard replied, “You didn’t have to yell, mayonnaise is free here.”
Fedel took the jar of mayonnaise home and spread the mayonnaise on his sandwich but when he reached into the vegetable compartment of his refrigerator he found out that he didn’t have any lettuce to put on his birthday sandwich.
The next morning Castro got into his car and drove to the airport. After he landed at JFK in New York he went to Grand Central Station. As he was riding the train, the conductor muffled, “Next stop the Lexington Station.”
“Did he say Lexington Station or leg amputation.” Castro muttered.
He got off and saw a guy getting mugged and said, “Ah, entertainment.” and stayed to watch. As he was watching, a policeman walked by in time to see the mugger run away. The policeman then made a mistake and thought that Castro was the mugger.
Castro started to run and the policeman couldn’t capture him. While Castro was running through a busy boulevard, the policeman called for backup. Even with backup they could not catch him, so the sheriff yelled into his megaphone, “Release the dogs!” When they released the dogs Castro climbed up a fire escape to get away from the dogs’ powerful bone crushing jaws.
When he got to the top of the fire escape Castro stepped onto the roof only to hear the police coming up the steps through an air-conditioning vent onto the roof. So he got a running start and jumped from the apartment building through the window of another building. As the glass broke into a million pieces a surprised man yelled and ran into the hallway.
Once in the apartment, Castro opened up a vent in the wall and crawled in. As he was scrambling through the vent he saw two round red eyes ahead. It was just a rat. But he hated rats and started to freak out and started moving in odd directions.
As he tried to crawl to safety, the vent gave way and Castro fell onto a table where the executives of Procter and Gamble were discussing a new 16-blade shaver from Gillette. The executives were in shock and sat there and stared at the intruder. Then Castro got up and muttered, “Hello…Good by.”
As he climbed the stairs to the roof of the building he heard a weird sound. It sounded like footsteps on the roof. So when Castro got to the door to the roof he looked through the peephole and saw many policemen with at least five German Shepherds. So he started back down the steps where he slipped and fell down a couple steps. Suddenly Castro heard the dogs on the roof barking their heads off but as he tried to get up something was keeping him down. It took him awhile to figure it out but he realized that he was hanging upside down with his foot stuck in the wall.
Castro pulled himself up and started down the staircase. Then suddenly he heard the door slam open, it was the police. He saw a door next to where he was standing and opened it. It was the power room for the entire building. He flipped a switch with a label that said, “HALL WAY NEXT TO POWER ROOM” and saw the light go out from underneath the door. Castro slowly crept out of the room and slowly walked down the steps. As he exited the building he saw what he had come for, a grocery store.
Fedel quickly sprinted across the wide seven-lane boulevard. He entered the store and the first thing he saw was lettuce. As he went to grab it a man ran in front of him and stole all the lettuce. Castro screamed, “Stop that man!” as the thief ran out the door with a bag full of lettuce. Castro began to chase after the man. The thief got into a taxi and sped away. Then Castro stood in front of a taxi, ran to the driver’s side and took the driver out.
Now Castro was speeding down Wall Street chasing the thief. The thief realized that he was being followed so he climbed into the front seat and pushed the driver out of the cab. Suddenly the thief sped out of control and crashed into the New York Stock Exchange. Castro parked the stolen taxi and ran up to the crash scene where he took a head of lettuce from the back seat of the crushed cab. He started to run to the nearest subway station where he bought a ticket for the stop at JFK. He barely squeezed in as the doors were closing. When the train arrived Castro rushed to the ticketing booth where he bought one ticket to Cuba. He sped to the concourse that was on his ticket to catch the plane.
Later that night he landed in Cuba and drove home to safety. And finally he put the lettuce on his turkey sandwich. It was the best feeling in the world to Castro, a mixture of Egyptian mayonnaise and New York City lettuce, a powerful fusion of great taste.

Vegetarians SUCK!!!

Today I am going to talk to you about why vegetarians don’t make sense. I have three reasons that I am going to share with you. But before I do that I am going to explain the beliefs of vegetarians.
Vegetarians believe that animals should not be harmed in any way and they also feel this way about the environment. They also believe that humans were meant to be herbivores because we have no claws or sharp teeth. Now the reason that this statements are wrong is because just because you don’t have claws or sharp teeth doesn’t meant you are a meat eater. Just take a look at the black bear and take a look; it has claws and sharp teeth and it is a vegetarian. So that statement is false.
Now since I have covered that now I can get back to the reason that I feel this way.
Number 1- Vegetarians believe that animals should not be harmed in any way but do they ever think about those harmless little mice, moles, and rabbits that are killed every time a crop is collected by tractors and other farming equipment. And many other animals also lose their habitats as farms expand the growing field by destroying near by forests and other wooded areas. And what about the billions of insects that are killed every day by pesticides?
Number 2- Vegetarians believe that humans were meant to be herbivores but did they forget that the first humans were hunters and scavengers. For Food, these hunt-gatherers had a supply of freshly caught game. They learned to organize hunts and to cure and store food for the long winter. Hunting was done individually and in-groups. They used traps, which allowed them to catch food while they were busy doing something else. Fisherman used bows and arrows, nets woven from vines, fish hooks, and even poisons. This is the second reason that vegetarians don’t know what they are talking about.
Number 3- I have a question- if vegetarians are so against meat than why do they try and come up with substitutes for meat. If you hate meat some much then why are you trying to make meatless meat? I have a list of meatless meat products it includes: Meatless Chicken Patty, Meatless BBQ Burger, Meatless Cheeseburger, Meatless Original Burger, Meatless Mushroom Burger, Meatless Salsa Fresca Burger, Meatless Southwestern Burger, Meatless Roasted Onion Burger, Meatless Fajitas, Meatless Gyro Burgers, Meatless Tacos, Meatless Philly Cheese Steal Sandwich, Meatless Roasted Garlic Burgers, Meatless Sausage, No-Eggs Benedict, and Meatless Chicken Pot Pie. If you don’t believe me go to www.bocaburger.com/boca_recproducts.html.

May 23, 2007

Bob Barker and the Policeman

Bob Barker was belated on his way to the Price Is Right. He was late because of the outlandish adventure of selling hamster steak on the street. But then a policeman came and cited from the book of laws, "That is illegal to sell hamster meat on Tuesday." Then to mediate the problem Bob Barker said, "Can we sell hamster meat on a fishing boat?" Ensuing that the policeman said, "You just violated Law 99, the punishment is to be hanged by your fingers with fish hooks, and then to be beaten with candy canes." To appease the policeman he said, "I will give you a block of Limburger cheese if you beat me with a piece of roadkill like raccoons or unwanted toasters. The policeman did not agree and attempted to attack Bob Barker. Then Bob Barker gallantly kicked the policeman in the shins and the jumped onto his hovercraft and flew away. But as he was flying the policeman threw a hobo's knife of death. Then Bob Barker died happily ever after.

THE END
Unicorns

Contrary to to what you believe, unicorns are evil. They are not as personable or whimsical as you may think, because they are known to have a voracious appetite for ferrets. You will rue ever seeing a swarm of teeming unicorns, as their curt sounds used as communication and caustic, acidic breath are signs of an impending pain to be bestowed upon you, while they attack in accord with a plot the herd devised once they sensed your presense. It is a deadly, but effective ruse, used to capture prey. Do not scoff, as this threat entails upon you.

THE END
Zombies

The insane zombies rose from their disturbed graves. They slowly searched for victims to slaughter for food. They find the people the want devower slowly from head to toe. Pandemonium arises and terror streaks the town in a endless pool of pure red blood and limbs. The zombies then feasted on the victims brains. Military officiers finally come to the rescue. They use their massive flamethrowers. The zombies burn to the ground in burning inferno of rotten flesh. All remains are destroyed and all the towns graveyards are filled to the brim.

THE END
Halloween

On Halloween I am doing something weird and obscure, like watching The Minion Bird of Darkness. Then the bird attacked and bit my head off. I writhed in pain while my head screamed random things like, " I want a buttercup!!!" and " I love China!!!" My mom came out from my house wondering what was going on. She saw me lying on the ground dead. She looked up to the sky and felt fear when she saw the bird flying and straight toward her. Then it swooped down and pecked through her skull and devowered her eyeballs and her brain.

THE END
The Thieves

A defect in the security system allowed the overly-armed, blood thirsty thieves to go forthright into the artillary vault. As they were leaving they found a group of people who were instilled with fear. Then they shoved a scapegoat forward to make a distraction so they could escape. Then they went back into town and flaunted all their findings. They basked in the glory of everyone else toward him. Then they were ostracized from their town and then decided to purge their wrong doing. Then they shot the town folk with his AK-47 and was sentanced to the death penalty.

THE END

Tommy B. Gallery

by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B

by Tommy B

by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B
by Tommy B



May 21, 2007

by Sam B.

by Max M.

May 18, 2007

by Max M.

by Sam B

May 10, 2007

The War

The countries made an armistace to gratify the people and estrange from war. But instead of keeping their promise Megan ran in the opposing country and ransacked the people their. She had made a plan to obliterate the infinite donut factories. So the arrogant country then sent a bomb down to explode and destroy everything. Then a spaceship of mutant demonized squirrels came to the country and devowered an enormity of the humans and burned the rest in an inferno of burning flesh.

THE END
The Snowman

Most common belief disclaims that night is dark. There is more infinite darkness. This darkness is known as Jerry Springer. Jerry's aura amplifies death and causes buildings to collapse into ruins. Then the abominable snowman came and dismembered Jerry and everything around him. Then Yeti was irascible and a vampire. It sprang at a vendor while shouting,"Chipmunks in a blender!!!" and bit him on the left nostril.

THE END
The Time Machine

Mr. Shortstack was an arrogant vendor. He sold bland food and he was very irascible. His job was very tedious and he had no kindred friends. But one day he found a time machine and went back into the time of the caveman. There he saw Megan as a caveman as she tried to gratify her need for food by dinosaur hunting. So she got the local vendors femur and ran out slashing wildly at the wild hamsters. But she tripped and impaled herself upon a porcupine. So then the vendor took back his femur and did his ritual dance to bring back Megan as a chipmunk.

THE END
The Bigfoot Encounter

The forlorned man was walking through the woods when he began to falter because of the enormity of the Bigfoot infront of him. Bigfoot had a bland pizza in his mouth and a vendor's arm in his hand. Bigfoot tried to obliterate mankind. He began to ransack my campsite for people. I tried to make an armistace with him. But he was being naive and selfish and ran after Megan because she was running into a niche close by Bigfoot. Megan became irascible and bit him on the foot. Then a demonized toaster came out of the darkness and toasted Megan and everyone in a 20 foot radius.

THE END