Mayo

Have you ever been making a turkey sandwich and you go to pick up the mayonnaise and it is too light. If you have, then you can relate to the same situation that happened on Fedel Castro’s birthday.
It was Fedel’s 50th birthday and for lunch he wanted a turkey sandwich with lettuce and mayonnaise on top. First he noticed that the jar of mayonnaise was abnormally light and then when he opened it, he saw the thing he hoped he’d never see, the jar was empty.
But then he thought, “What am I worried about. I have a whole cellar full of mayonnaise.” So he went down to his basement and went to one of the barrels but it was too light. He looked inside and it was empty too. He opened every last barrel of mayonnaise in his cellar and not one had a drop of mayonnaise in it.
Fedel looked in the Amarillo Book and found the address of the main mayonnaise manufacturer in Cuba, The Bongo Mayonnaise Company. When he got there he found that it had gone out of business. From a pay phone he called the information hotline and asked where the mayonnaise capital of the world was and the operator said, “Cairo, Egypt.”
Fedel called his travel agent, Joe, and told him that he wanted a ticket to Cairo today. Joe told him ten minutes later on the phone that he had booked Fedel a flight to Cairo that is to depart in one hour and twenty minutes.
When Fedel got to the airport, he got into the line and cut everyone to get to the front. The security guard told him, “You have to wait your turn!”
“But I am the supreme ruler of the country of Cuba.” Castro replied.
“Then in that case go ahead sir.” the guard replied.
When he arrived in Egypt, he walked to the mayonnaise factory and demanded, “Give me mayonnaise or give me death!”
The guard replied, “You didn’t have to yell, mayonnaise is free here.”
Fedel took the jar of mayonnaise home and spread the mayonnaise on his sandwich but when he reached into the vegetable compartment of his refrigerator he found out that he didn’t have any lettuce to put on his birthday sandwich.
The next morning Castro got into his car and drove to the airport. After he landed at JFK in New York he went to Grand Central Station. As he was riding the train, the conductor muffled, “Next stop the Lexington Station.”
“Did he say Lexington Station or leg amputation.” Castro muttered.
He got off and saw a guy getting mugged and said, “Ah, entertainment.” and stayed to watch. As he was watching, a policeman walked by in time to see the mugger run away. The policeman then made a mistake and thought that Castro was the mugger.
Castro started to run and the policeman couldn’t capture him. While Castro was running through a busy boulevard, the policeman called for backup. Even with backup they could not catch him, so the sheriff yelled into his megaphone, “Release the dogs!” When they released the dogs Castro climbed up a fire escape to get away from the dogs’ powerful bone crushing jaws.
When he got to the top of the fire escape Castro stepped onto the roof only to hear the police coming up the steps through an air-conditioning vent onto the roof. So he got a running start and jumped from the apartment building through the window of another building. As the glass broke into a million pieces a surprised man yelled and ran into the hallway.
Once in the apartment, Castro opened up a vent in the wall and crawled in. As he was scrambling through the vent he saw two round red eyes ahead. It was just a rat. But he hated rats and started to freak out and started moving in odd directions.
As he tried to crawl to safety, the vent gave way and Castro fell onto a table where the executives of Procter and Gamble were discussing a new 16-blade shaver from Gillette. The executives were in shock and sat there and stared at the intruder. Then Castro got up and muttered, “Hello…Good by.”
As he climbed the stairs to the roof of the building he heard a weird sound. It sounded like footsteps on the roof. So when Castro got to the door to the roof he looked through the peephole and saw many policemen with at least five German Shepherds. So he started back down the steps where he slipped and fell down a couple steps. Suddenly Castro heard the dogs on the roof barking their heads off but as he tried to get up something was keeping him down. It took him awhile to figure it out but he realized that he was hanging upside down with his foot stuck in the wall.
Castro pulled himself up and started down the staircase. Then suddenly he heard the door slam open, it was the police. He saw a door next to where he was standing and opened it. It was the power room for the entire building. He flipped a switch with a label that said, “HALL WAY NEXT TO POWER ROOM” and saw the light go out from underneath the door. Castro slowly crept out of the room and slowly walked down the steps. As he exited the building he saw what he had come for, a grocery store.
Fedel quickly sprinted across the wide seven-lane boulevard. He entered the store and the first thing he saw was lettuce. As he went to grab it a man ran in front of him and stole all the lettuce. Castro screamed, “Stop that man!” as the thief ran out the door with a bag full of lettuce. Castro began to chase after the man. The thief got into a taxi and sped away. Then Castro stood in front of a taxi, ran to the driver’s side and took the driver out.
Now Castro was speeding down Wall Street chasing the thief. The thief realized that he was being followed so he climbed into the front seat and pushed the driver out of the cab. Suddenly the thief sped out of control and crashed into the New York Stock Exchange. Castro parked the stolen taxi and ran up to the crash scene where he took a head of lettuce from the back seat of the crushed cab. He started to run to the nearest subway station where he bought a ticket for the stop at JFK. He barely squeezed in as the doors were closing. When the train arrived Castro rushed to the ticketing booth where he bought one ticket to Cuba. He sped to the concourse that was on his ticket to catch the plane.
Later that night he landed in Cuba and drove home to safety. And finally he put the lettuce on his turkey sandwich. It was the best feeling in the world to Castro, a mixture of Egyptian mayonnaise and New York City lettuce, a powerful fusion of great taste.